A Well Intentioned Roommate
Suppose I have a roommate who
cares deeply about me. He notices that I have been working long hours, have
been under great stress, and look very tired. In my fatigue, I complain one
night that I don't even have time to pay my bills. Later that evening, when I
have fallen asleep, my roommate pulls together my bills, goes to my online
account, and pays all my bills. The only problem...my roommate has never been
good at math and my account is now overdrawn.
In the morning, when I wake up, my
roommate shows me that my bills are paid. My shock quickly turns to horror as I
realize that my account is overdrawn. I respond, "You have overdrawn my
account!"
Ashamed, he lashes out, "I
was only trying to help! Next time, do it yourself!"
Chaos
What we have here is a case of a
person taking responsibility for something he does not have the authority to do
and for which he is not held accountable. This is my definition of
chaos--taking responsibility for something for which a person is not held
accountable. In our lives, some of our
relationships are in chaos.
Purpose
Every relationship has a purpose.
One is a spouse, a parent, a child, a sibling, a friend, a neighbor, a student,
a citizen, an employee, a doctor, teacher, plumber. Every relationship is
defined by at least one purpose. At times, relationships can have multiple
purposes--i.e., my neighbor may also be my friend.
What Makes a Healthy Relationship?
Authority--This is the power that
others have given a person to act in a certain role in a relationship. For
example, my congregation has authorized me to serve in the office of Senior
Pastor.
Responsibility--These are the
tasks that are expected to be performed as part of the relationship. For
example, the tasks a parent is expected perform include: provide for shelter,
food, safety, nurturing environment, discipline.
Accountability--One is held
accountable for performing the tasks and for the quality of the performance. A
good neighbor honors property lines and maintains his property. If not, there
may be legal repercussions.
What about Feelings?
With a healthy relationship, a
person experiences a variety of positive emotions. There is empowerment,
acceptance, collegiality, affirmation, affection. Psychologists will tell you,
"Feelings follow." That is, when we shape a relationship based on
authority, responsibility, and accountability, the positive feelings will
follow.
When Feelings Take the Driver's Seat
In our highly emotional times, we
can fall into the trap of desiring the positive emotions first, without
fulfilling the obligations of the relationship. We want to be affirmed, no
matter how we act. When this happens, our relationships become troubled and
broken.
Right Relationships
One definition of the religious
word "righteous" is "fulfilling the obligations of one's
relationship."(Achtemeir) God is righteous and God makes righteous those
who have faith. People of faith have been set free to have healthy
relationships. Dare we fall into the trap that Paul mentions in Romans 8: 15?
"For you did not receive a spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but
you have received a spirit of adoption." Right relationships are healthy relationships.
Implications
1. Love can be considered as more
than a feeling and more than a concept. Love is primary an action. The action of
love is the act of engaging in a relationship in ways that are healthy. Love is
the action of living out healthy relationships. Should we start with love as an
emotion and apply that to a relationship, the relationship is in an immediate
strangle hold. Based purely on a positive emotion like wanting to feel loved, a
relationship allows no room for accountability and challenge. Liking can become
the key determining factor for what is right or wrong. A leader may refrain
from holding an employee accountable for poor performance out of fear of not
being liked. An employee may reject challenge that can lead to growth by
interpreting the challenge with the conclusion, "She does not like
me."
2. M. Scott Peck, in People of the Lie, describes what
happens to a group of people when one person is chosen as a leader. The others
will instantly start to regress. How is it that a leader can lead, without the
regression and immaturity of those in the group? I believe a leader can promote
maturity by clearly defining the relationships; by giving authority to each
group member to act in certain capacities based on that persons interests and
skills; by being sure that the person has a clear understanding of their
responsibilities and tasks to be performed; and by holding the person
accountable for performing the task wit excellence.
3. Peck also describes human
relationships as lateral. This is helpful in understanding that people are set
APART for a purpose, not set ABOVE for a purpose.
4. The use of titles helps sustain
healthy relationships. This may lead the reader to conclude that I am promoting
an archaic way of life. The use of titles, such as Mr., Mrs. Miss, Ms., Dr.,
Professor, Pastor, Mother, Father, the Honorable serves the purpose of defining
the relationship. I insist that members of my congregation use the title Pastor
with me. This is not about being heavy handed, power, or control. I believe the
use of the title brings clarity to the relationship between pastor and
parishioner. Each time a person refers to me as Pastor, I am reminded of the covenant
I have made to care for the spiritual well-being of the people in the parish.
5. In groups, among staffs, or
within leadership circles, clearly defining the relationships can keep the
focus on the organization’s mission. The leader of the group does not make all
the decisions, but performs the following roles:
-Keeps
the mission and vision in front of the group;
-Keeps
the clarity of roles in place by defining the responsibilities;
-Has
oversight for keeping a good decision making process in place;
-Holds
each person in the organization
accountable for performance
