How can we learn to talk to each other?
I want to offer some suggestions for
communicating with one another.
KNOW WHY YOU ARE TALKING
Make sure you know why you are engaging in a conversation. Conversations
can serve many functions. The purpose may be to share information, such as
directions to my house for Friday’s party. The purpose may be to catch up, such
as two high school friends talking after not seeing each other for a few years.
The purpose may be to express feelings, such as needing someone to talk to when
you are angry about what happened at work.
It helps for those
in the conversation to know why they are talking to each other.
KNOW WHAT YOU ARE DOING
Be clear. If you plan on talking with each other for the
sake of problem solving, then say so. Clearly state your purpose. This requires
a certain type of conversation. Here are some guidelines for that type of
conversation.
1.
Placing a post or tweet on social media is not a
problem solving conversation. I argue it is not even a conversation.
2.
Getting together to rant and rave with those who
will agree with you is not a problem solving conversation.
3.
Emotions will override logic. If the problem
solving conversation you are seeking to have involves strong emotions, I
recommend taking time to name and express those emotions and allow others in
the conversation to do the same thing. A sign of maturity is being able to sit
with another person when he or she is expressing strong emotions.
4.
A problem solving conversation is best when it
includes people with opposing viewpoints. The human brain has the capacity to
hold opposites in thought at the same time.
5.
There is a difference between freedom with
accountability and control. Too often we try to control what another person
says. How many times have you said, “I don’t know how you could say something
like that”? Freedom/accountability gives the other person the space to speak
and holds the person accountable for
what he or she says.
6.
Listen to what the other person is saying. Take
their idea, treat it like you are holding a rare artifact in your hands. Look
at the idea from all sides. Tell the person who shared the idea what you heard
them say in order to make sure you heard the person right. Ask questions to
gain more information about the idea. These questions are not intended to
challenge the idea—that will come later. These questions are to gain more
information about the idea. Only when you have a decent understanding of the
other person’s idea is it helpful to start asking “What about questions.”
7.
Understand the difference between facts and
opinions. Fact questions are questions that ask who, what, where, when, and
how. Most why questions are opinion questions, not fact questions. When you have
answers to the fact questions, test the facts. Facts are tested by double
checking the sources of information. Know what resources are reliable. Be
prepared to change your mind if what you thought was a fact was corrected. NOTE:
Everyone is entitled to their own opinions, but not their own facts. (This
quote is commonly attributed to Daniel Moynihan.)
8.
Why questions are opinion questions. Why
questions take the facts gathered from who, what, where, when, and how and
shape a hypothesis from those facts. As opinions, it is important for us to
remember that our opinions are not objective—that is unbiased. All of our
opinions are subjective—biased toward ourselves. Each person sees the world through
a prism that is shaped by his or her own beliefs, preferences, life experience,
fears, and desires.
9.
Agreement can be found on facts. Agreement on
why is more challenging. When opposing viewpoints are brought to the
conversation, common ground can be found on Issues of Genuine Concern. For
example, while we each have an opinion on the reason for the shooting in
Parkland, Florida, we can stand on the common ground of genuine concern for the
well-being of children and youth in our schools.
10.
Faithful conversation means that there are any
number of stories that are being told at one given time. It is important for
each of us to make room in our story for the story of others. Immediate
dismissal of the story of our opponent does not honor the integrity of that
person. You may not agree with their story. Their story may trouble you. In
fact, it may offend you. Yet, it is their story.
